…I traced my fingers over the scars upon her chest, marking where her breasts had been. She stopped my hand in its journey and looked up into my eyes. Those eyes…ice blue but never cold. Yet in this moment they looked cracked and broken with pain…
I did not know her before this.
I did not know her when her skin was unblemished and the ice of her eyes layered and strong. Instead, i saw every day all the hurt inflicted upon her in the past haunting her in the present.
I know i cannot heal those hurts.
I know i cannot release her from the cloud of melancholy weighing heavy on her mind…
But i can hold her in my arms and promise to never let go because my promises are never empty. I can wake every morning in this bed we share and smile because this time we have together can never be wasted.
These moments are not lost on me because they are more precious than the times of pain and suffering. In these moments i forget about her scars, inside and out, and whisper to her over and over and over again that i love her. The whisper does not waver in tone like that of a secret. It is strong like the first notes of birdsong heard traveling quietly on the morning breeze.
"My mother told me that one day a handsome man would sweep me off my feet by whispering sweet nothings into my ear. We would get married and i would be a most happy fool…and we would have eight children."
She laughed,”I’m not a man.”
"And we don’t have any children! What a miracle that is! But i am a happy fool. The happiest fool there is ."
"You’re not a fool."she said.
"I am a dreamer and a fool."
"Your dreams are not foolish. They come true and you can be happy about that without being foolish."
I smile, “Yes…my dream was to be with you and that came true. Yet i still feel as if my eyes are closed. Wake me up, darling.”
She shakes her head,” No. Your eyes aren’t closed. You’re awake and looking at me. It’s all real.”
I chuckle, ” I’m a disappointment to my mother. I think she expected her dreams to become mine.”
"God, i suppose i’ve got it all figured out…why did i feel the need to question all this in the first place?"
"It’s the quiet moments that make us question the good things in our lives. Its not a bad thing."
I smile again and caress her cheek.
“You’ve got all the answers don’t you?”
"As long as you keep asking questions, cherie."
"I love you."
She’s standing in the kitchen with her back turned to me. She is pouring a cup of coffee and talking. I watch as she gestures wildly with her hands while she reaches for the milk sitting on the countertop. I know she doesn’t like coffee much but i never say anything when she decides to have a cup and i never ask why. I’ve gotten used to her strange habits, most days i watch her with a smile on my face, but today i hate them. I want to stop her gesturing hands with my own and throw the coffee cup into the sink. Its not her fault…
I’ve lost track of when the conversation started. I can’t organize my thoughts. Its all a chaotic mess…
My hands are shaking…i want her to stop talking.
I slam my fist down onto the table. Startled, she turns and looks at me.
Concerned she asks, “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head a few times and try to swallow the lump in my throat.
“Désolé…just…no talking…s’il te plait.”
“Okay.” She says as she walks over and sits on the edge of the table. She says nothing as she waits for me to do something…to say something. I want to scoot my chair closer and wrap my arms around her, to feel safe but all my energy is focused on trying not to cry.
“I’m right here, darling. Its okay to cry.” She says as she reaches out and strokes her thumb across my forehead.
I will myself to look up at her. I don’t try to hold back the tears as i bring my chair closer and wrap my arms around her waist, my head buried in her lap.
“I’m sorry…everything is just so loud. I’m losing myself again. I can’t focus.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s alright.”
“I feel like…an idiot.”
“No, you are not an idiot. You are human and i love you.”
“How can you love me? I’m so fucked up in the head. I don’t deserve it…i’m not worthy.”
“I can handle it. I’m never going to leave you. You deserve love…I love you.”
I release a shaky breath into her shirt and tighten my grip around her waist.
Everything from the night before was a blur. All i knew was that my wrists ached and i hated the silence between us. I hated myself for staying quiet for so long…
But i wanted to watch her just a little while longer. She was so beautiful and in those moments i felt so unworthy…
Of her love,
Of her company,
She did not know the chaos in my mind. She did not know but was asking me to say something.
I saw it in her eyes as she turned toward me and closed her hands around mine…
I’m sorry…i am a burden you should not have to bear. My head is just so fucked up and i’m putting all this pressure on you to take some of the weight off my shoulders. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone like me. But i guess we’re all a little fucked up and all we need is someone to be fucked up with. I’m still not sure if thats true…and i don’t think i ever want to be sure of that because i’d like to believe that your mind is beautiful, the most beautiful mind i have ever known. And i’ve never felt certain about anything else….
But then i think this is meant to hide my deepest fears because i don’t want to disappoint you.
I don’t want you to be as scared as i am.
I don’t want you to leave me alone.
I want you to hold me in your arms like you always do on the couch in silence no matter how much i hate it.
At least you’re there to help me forget about the world for a while.
You’ll always be there to stitch up my wounds and marvel at my scars.
You’ll always be there…
Somehow, i know it
But i’m still so afraid that you will leave one day because you just can’t fucking take it anymore. And i am afraid i’ll let you go because i can’t handle this life anymore.
I’ll cut my wrists and you won’t be there to stitch me up again.
I’m afraid of the kind of life you’d live without someone there to keep you from losing yourself.
I am afraid.
This is the chaos in my mind…
“Say something, please.”
And wiped away her tears
“I love you” she said
And that was all that mattered