I am sitting on the bed. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do anything.
I feel tired but i don’t want to sleep, not in the middle of the day. The sun is shining through the light blue curtains and bouncing off the white walls of the bedroom. Everything is so white. I hate it. I shift on the bed and let out a frustrated sigh. I get the urge to scream so i grab a pillow behind me to muffle my screaming. I don’t want to break the silence. I don’t want her to hear me.
After i stop screaming, i put the pillow behind my head and fall backwards onto the bed. I turn my head to the right and hide my face in a corner of the pillow. I close my eyes in the hope that it will shut out some of the light. It doesn’t of course, but i don’t care, i just don’t want to see anything…
Though, i hear everything. I seem to have forgotten about that. I hear her bare feet walking toward me on the hardwood floor. I hear her hands touch the sheets then touch my forehead as she kneels down on the floor. I feel her breath gently blow the hair off my forehead then let it fall back down as she breathes in. In and out. In…out. I feel her thumb caressing my cheek, tracing the lines on the corner of my eye, moving down to the smile lines near the corner of my mouth. I can’t help but smile.
"This room is so white," i whisper into the pillow, " why can’t we paint the walls black?"
She smiles, “We can paint the walls black.”
"No…I’ll write all over them."
Her smile grows wider as she rests her head against the dark blue blankets.
“What will you write?”
"What will the poetry be about?"
I open my eyes and think about my answer for a moment. I stare into her green eyes then look down to the freckles on her cheeks and her red lips.
“Your eyes and your freckles…your lips.”
She laughs, ” You’ve written poetry about me before.”
I shake my head and sink deeper into the pillow.
"No, the letters don’t count. That was so long ago. Things have changed."
She nods and lets her smile fade, to become small. I close my eyes again and turn my face away into the middle of the pillow, muffling my voice.
"Do you think i’m being childish?"
I lift my head from the pillow and turn to stare up at the ceiling.
"Do you think i’m being childish?"
Her smile fades completely and she looks down at her hands that are now resting on the blankets. She starts picking at a loose thread to keep her hands busy, to distract herself for a moment.
"No…no, I don’t think you’re being childish. What makes you think that?"
"I don’t know. I’m just so…frustrated and i don’t know why. These walls are just so fucking white."
"Then write poetry in black ink on them. Write about my eyes and my freckles and my lips. Write about everything thats bothering you. Write until your hand hurts and your vision blurs."
I shake my head, “No. I can’t move…i don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to look at these stupid white walls anymore.”
I open my eyes and focus on her as she nods and stands up. I notice shes wearing all black.
"Then i’ll just lay in bed with you until you want to talk again."
I shake my head again and raise my hand up as if to touch her.
"Take off your clothes…please."
She doesn’t hesitate as she removes every article of clothing until she stands naked next to the bed. She chuckles and watches me as my eyes take in her naked body. I’ve seen her naked many times before but this time the light is perfect. It touches on all her curves and highlights the freckles all over her body. I can’t look away and i can’t close my eyes.
I nod and shove the blankets off the bed as i stand.
"Take off my clothes for me. My hands don’t work." She laughs and punches my arm softly. Her hands then grab onto the hem of my shirt and pull it up and over my head. I don’t even notice that i lift my arms because i never take my eyes off of her. Shes trying not to look away either as her hands glide over the smooth skin of my chest, stopping on the bumps of my scars. I reach up and press her hands there with my own. I want her to feel my heart beat and the rise and fall of my chest as i breathe. I want to reassure both of us that i am here and nothing else matters in this moment.
"Are you going to be okay?" She asks and i nod, remembering the last time she touched me like this, the last time we were naked together. I smile.
"Only after you take off my pants." I release her hands so she can take off my belt and throw it on the floor. She unbuttons and unzips my pants, pulling them down off my legs with my underwear. I kick them off my ankles and step aside to let her on the bed first. She lays down and i follow, settling into the same position i was in before. She moves closer and rests her head on my chest with her right arm stretched across my stomach, her hand resting on my scar nearest my armpit. I close my eyes and listen to my breath blowing strands of her red hair into her face. I hear her thumb stroking back and forth over the soft skin of my scar. I can feel my nerves reacting and sending shockwaves throughout my body. It is a simple touch, just a simple caress, but it carries so much energy…
I wonder if she remembers what my breasts felt like. I wonder if she wishes they were still there to squeeze and pinch and bite and kiss. Maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe shes always done that thing with her thumb and i’ve just never paid attention. Maybe shes trying not to remember anything. I sigh in my head and out loud, pushing away all my silly thoughts. I encircle my arms tighter around her and spread my hands flat over her shoulder blades. I feel her breasts press further against me and her breathing, slowly in and out. In and out.
"Are you afraid?" She asks and i open my eyes. I can feel her staring up at me, her thumb continuing to caress my chest.
"Of…myself. I am afraid to know…that i can be…lost again."
"You’re never really lost. You’re always right here. It…happens."
"I don’t want to be that way anymore. I just want to be normal. I want to feel normal."
She sighs, “you know its not going to be like that again. It can’t.”
"Yes but i’m not okay with that…are you okay with that? Tell me the truth."
"No but i am not like you. I don’t see things the way you do."
"I know. I understand. Thats…good. Thats what makes you stronger than me."
"No, its not about strength. I am just as afraid as you are. I’m worried about you."
I nod and rub my right hand up and down her back.
"I never want you to be worried about me. I don’t want you to be—but you’re here. I’ve let you into my life. I don’t want you to leave…i don’t want you to have to leave."
Her thumb stops caressing my skin and she puts her arms around me, trying to pull us even closer than we are.
"I wont leave you. No…why would you think that?"
I press my face into her hair and kiss the top of her head.
"I just do. Sometimes i can’t help but think that everything is going to get fucked up over and over again. Sometimes i want to push people away. Sometimes i want to scream and cry. Sometimes i want to do absolutely nothing. Its never beautiful. I try my best to feel better. You make things easier to deal with and i’m really grateful for that. I love you. Je t’aime. Je t’aime. Je t’aime."
I feel her eyes close and her thumb start rubbing against my scar again. Up and down. Up and down.
"Do you still want to write poetry on the walls?"